This is a mask, a facade.

 It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I wanted to update this blog for some time now. The thoughts never leave me, but I have found it hard to convey my thoughts to ink, digital ink. Maybe I’m not sure what use my words are to you, or some other reason; I always kept thinking twice before trying to convince myself to update the blog.

I’ve been keeping busy doing non-productive things while the holidays run its course. I figured I could be doing something better, more worthwhile. Make a difference, they say. Reality being, I am the same lazy ass I’ve been all my life. No change there.

Enough of my complaining. Let’s go into the real business now.

Have you ever thought if one day, say you were taking an airline or going holidays by ship, then suddenly the ship or plane you were taking decides that it could crash or sink anytime? What would be going in your head that very moment? Who are you thinking about?

I watched a lot of Air Crash Investigation shows recently, and it usually illustrates the dying seconds before an airplane crashes or rips itself apart. The survivors, if any, usually tell their tale convincingly and it feels surreal to hear what they have to say.

In one incident, when the period between the initial problems to the inevitable crash was long; the passengers actually wrote “suicide notes” in case their loved ones ever found them buried among the burned debris and scarred remains.

It spoke of their thoughts seconds before dying.

Their notes weren’t filled with their unfinished business at work, neither was it about how much money they still have at the bank.

I Love You.

Doesn’t matter if it was their spouses, or their children or their parents, almost every person wrote about how much they love their loved ones. The survivors would tell tales that they have been given a second chance in life, a new reason to appreciate and give thanks for everything they had.

Most people see disasters or accidents as catastrophes that devour lives leaving only sadness and grief. I see disasters as a way to remind us about what life truly is, stripped of our obsessions. It is the only time you can possibly be sure that death awaits.

How I wish this could happen everyday. 

 After a few years, you have an idea of how your life is going to pan out. Get your diploma or a degree perhaps, and then you realized that the degree was useless. You never wanted to study science or computing, rather you liked talking and interacting with people.

So you go find a job and proudly state your degree in science. Never mind that your application is for a sales position. Diversity is good. You work for a few years, maybe get promoted.  And then what? Maybe you get bored of selling products; maybe you want something more satisfying. You ponder.

You realized that you will never be satisfied with what you have. You want a challenge in order to be simulated. You see only what you can do, never what you have done. The past is erased from your sight. You think you forgotten about it, yet it still lingers on. Oh memory.

The choices you made, mistakes. The lifestyle you had, regrets. You distance yourself with your past and live blindingly happy in the present. You assume people would forget the pain, as time heals all wounds. But the marks never really vanish.

Then you realized that your life was a big failure. Maybe your parents died or some friends just disappeared. You know you should have asked for their forgiveness. Appreciate them, give thanks. But it’s too late now. You were so full of yourself, your head in the clouds until you lost it.

Don’t dream.

 Let’s face it, we’re all disappointments.

If we choose right, left would be left disappointed. Same thing happens when we choose to go down; up will be left wanting. We cannot run from this fact.

We’re disappointments to our parents. Did they ever envision this person I am today, 18 years ago? You know, when you were younger, people used to ask this seemingly trivial question; ‘what do you want to be when you grow up boy/girl?’

Doctors, pilots, bankers. Innocence with a vision.

18, 20 years later. Reality sinks in, you stuck in a rot going nowhere. Where did those dreams went to? Did the toothfairy took it with her a long time ago? You hope it was the case.

We’re disappointments to ourselves. Feel your heart dishearten, savior every drop of this medicine. You won’t get too many chances to feel disappointed.

Because death never disappoints.

 Everywhere you turn now, you notice signs. On the bus and around your neighborhood, these sign signal the season for patriotism. This year, the organisers are making the national day parade quite different from anything seen before. Our national pledge would be the theme for this year, and everyone is taking it very seriously.

Why the pledge and why the seriousness?

Simply because it symbolizes the Singaporean identity.

To be focus on a goal, to be tolerant of every race, language or religion; truly noble in its message. We take the meaning of the pledge lightly, but wars raged and agreements broken before we got our independence and the birth of the pledge.

We ought to be proud of Singapore. She gave us a roof, provided us education and gave us the best the world has to offer. But I doubt whether Singapore is proud of me. Have I done justice to my homeland, do I deserve to say the pledge and sing the anthem with conviction?

The heroes of old are at rest, the wars have ended. What have we left fighting for? We’ve grown into a complacent society that doesn’t appreciate and is constantly being spoon-fed to the point of asphyxiation.  Neighbors no longer see eye to eye, commuters struggle to be considerate; is this the Singapore our forefathers envisioned 44 years ago?

Singapore needs a crisis to wake us up from this lumbering slumber. Terrorism or an epidemic would do. If we can survive that, then we can truly say the pledge and national anthem with our heads held high and our hearts united.

 You know; if you observe hard and long enough you’ll see things that others never chanced upon. Good things bad things, I’ll see them all. It’s like a kaleidoscope in motion and it never ceases to amaze me. I’m accompanied with these theories, disturbing and wonderful, each time I try to stay still and think.

So many things run amok in my mind. Swirling around, I can’t seem to control these nuggets of thought that are knocking on my frame relentlessly to be let free and no longer in the captivity of my mind.

The scenery is always a tad depressing; I tend to focus on the negative that wee bit more. I know I’m sick somewhere, I’m not sure whether this it's a disease or it's just reality. Disappointment surrounds me, slowly but surely sucking every ounce of my belief in humanity.

People forget. Hearts broken. Trust disintegrates. Principles disposed.

It seems so clear-cut. There’s only right or wrong in my mind, and wrong is shining devilishly right now. I want to wake up one day just to realize that this was all merely a dream. I want to know what it feels to be happy. I always ask myself, ‘Is this happiness?’ I was silly, it was just a mirage. After some thought, I came to the conclusion that, at this moment, there is no such thing as pure happiness.

No pleasure without pain, no hardship without comfort.

This is neither heaven nor hell. This is life.

 I thought I’d never do this. But I’m doing it alright. I am gonna blog for the first time.

I always wondered why people take the smallest things so seriously sometimes. They care too much on how they look, what they do and what people think about them. We all want attention, adulation from other people. Some people just take this too seriously.

I personally try not to judge people. I fail miserably sometimes, but I still try to keep a cool head and an open mind each time. People judge others to understand them, to try to relate to people they meet. We judge by how others physically look, how deep their pockets are and/or what they do in their lives. We stereotype in order to make sense of others and if we do this, then we are wrong. There will always be people who are not following what we expectations we set for them, there will always be that rebel or that weirdo who doesn’t follow our rules.

Confrontations can and will arise when, people from different backgrounds mix and try to understand each other. Each tries to fit the other in their view of the world, and like two different pieces of a jigsaw, they just wouldn’t fit together. Thus, they will ridicule and make fun of the other. But the problem with this is that the argument wouldn’t end. They are just two different parallels and the only way to solve this is acceptance of one another.

But acceptance is a weak virtue to some, and they bicker and hurt each other for eternity. Losing is not in their dictionary, for losers are viewed as weak. This condescending is evident in everyday life. We all try to be better than the next person, to prove that our existence is more valuable than theirs. Some people try to fight back, but I take the other way round, I let them condescend me because I simply don’t care what they think about me.

I think we can only judge ourselves. What we believe we are, is what we are. I hope everyone can realize this. Whatever that comes out from other people’s mouths are just words and they will stay that way. We just have to be brave enough to stop taking what others say too seriously because at the end of the day, our lives are based on our choices. Just remember to make the right ones.

 

Twisting, turning
Entranced by your presence 

Do you know this is hurting me?
My limbs grappling, what did I ever do to you my dear?

 I’m just another marionette, I know
Use me; hypnotise me with your alluring gaze

 The last of my conscience ran away
You brought the devil, frivolous it seemed

 I just sold my soul
Struggled with all my heart

 What do I do now?
Do you still long for me, do you?

 I knew this was a mistake
All along, I knew. I deserve it.

What I see, I understand and I regret. Overwhelming, this feeling of knowing.

I need to get away. Will you follow me? Please. This isn't any good at all.

 

Description: Engine of my life, intangible, been lost since last year, last spotted when school started.

Reward: My sincere thanks, grateful for life.

I lost it, maybe left it somewhere far. My life struggled without it, chugged on unwillingly fueled by whatever is left in the system. It was the piece that fitted all the other pieces, the axle that drove me.  I’ve been wandering around trying to find it. Glimpses, maybe a silhouette or two, but never the real thing.

 I deserve it.

 All the whining must have led to something. It probably broke under all the pressure, the constant displeasure. It’s been a struggle to replace it. Short adrenaline rushes briefly numb the feeling, until the effects wear off, that is. I find every excuse not to get up in the morning and sometimes I get my way. Somewhere inside of me though, it is screaming for my attention, wanting me to change my lethargic lifestyle. I’ve disappointed it and I know it.

 So to everyone reading this, please try and find my Motivation. I badly need it.